Home for Infinite Losers
by Gouka
Summary: The adventures of Cell, Frieza and Buu and their many escape attempts from the H.F.I.L
1. Fiendish plan

*notes: Okay this is aload of randomness and may not turn out as i had hoped but hey that's life!*  
  
Prologue....  
  
We all know that Frieza and his minions and Cell are all in the H.F.I.L don't we? Well for those who don't read ogre vests that stands for Home For Infinite Losers. You know the place where Goku fell into??? You don't, and you call yourself a dbz fan well let me ex..*smack* (owni: you are meant to be telling the prologue not the guide to losers!) ok then! *bashes owni with oar*...now where was i, yes well enjoy *cough* what a brilliant prologue tells you so much.  
  
After countless years Frieza and Cell have been shut in and out of the prison for those who mis behave. Everytime they get out they try and escape or annihilate (idiots or what?). Well they were once again put back into it and this is where this tale begins.  
  
"SNAP!" Cried Cell smacking his hand down on the table  
  
"We haven't put anything down yet you fool"  
  
"So, its still a snap"  
  
"Do you even know how to play?"  
  
"perhaps......not *cough*" Frieza gave Cell a blank and irritated look and finally spoke  
  
"you can be the biggest idiot in the world sometimes"  
  
"Hmm, if i remember correctly it was you who came down here first am i right?" Frieza went bright red and threw a bottle of wine at Cell's face, which smashed at impact...not his face of course. "You can really annoy me sometimes" Cell stood up and went to the back of the prison to wipe his face.  
  
"Well atleast you don't have to put up with some "perfect" first class moron!"  
  
"Perfect? But I'm perfect! Who dares say they are perfect and not be me???" Cell clenched his fist and gritted his teeth then ripped the toilet seat out of the wall revealing a hole where the sewage pipe started.  
  
"You're a genius!"  
  
"Who me?" Cell said putting the toilet down  
  
"Look!*points to hole* I bet you could fit down there"  
  
"Me? Are you insane..its a sewage pipe!"  
  
"so?"  
  
"But my perfect body will be ruined!"  
  
"Shut up and go!"  
  
"But i clearly can't fit" Frieza glared and Cell and eventually smiled.  
  
"My dear, dear friend *floats up and puts arm on Cell's shoulder* i can help you with that"  
  
"*gulp*"  
  
Jeice: "I'm bored, i can't believe master Frieza dumped us all for that...thing!"  
  
Burtur: "Look on the bright side, we don't have to follow orders"  
  
King Cold: "Oh you do you have to follow mi-" Suddenly their conversation was interrupted with the sounds of squeals and crashing.  
  
"Owww! Get off me or i will...annihilate you!" Frieza was jumping up and down on Cell's head. Who had only half one leg down the pipe.  
  
"It seems to be stuck! But don't worry this jump with loosen it!"   
  
"wait!!! no!" Cell yelled realizing what would happen if he was pushed any further.  
  
"got it!" With the last jump Cell went tumbling down a metre more....and only having one leg down and one leg out can if you imagine is going to be rather painful!  
  
"@£$#"  
  
"oops" Cell had been split up to his chest..(*shudders*) "Hey er...Cell, maybe if i carried on...erm..Cell?" Cell pulled himself out and healed himself.  
  
"Frieza...you may almost suffocate me, you may throw bottles at me, these i accept but taking away my dignity!" Cell towered over Frieza who was curled up in fear  
  
"eep" Frieza fainted  
  
"....*cough*" Cell turned away and lay down on one of the straw beds. 


	2. Mr Muscle Ruins the Jobs you Love!

Cell had awoken to see Frieza measuring his waistline.  
  
"What are you doin?!"  
  
"Well i decided that if we are ever going to get you down that pipe we will have to get rid of this excess flab!"  
  
"FLAB?!" Cell looked down to see that there was no 'excess' flab about his waist. Frieza carried on "stop that!" Cell smacked his hand off him.  
  
"If we are going to co-operate it will be alot easier and less painful".  
  
"Alright then. You go down!"  
  
"ME?!"  
  
"yes, you're smaller, skinnier and lizard like"  
  
"That's not the point, i am Lord Frieza the most fear-"  
  
"You were Lord Frieza the most fear-"  
  
"Thats not the point i am more important then you which is what the point is"  
  
"Why friend you are forgetting one very important thing" He paused and Frieza moved closer waiting for the rest "I'M PERFECT!!!" Cell yelled in Frieza's ear at the top of his voice. And sent Frieza flying at the wall.  
  
meanwhile  
  
Babidi: 12!  
  
Recoome: really? i got 14  
  
Babidi: yeah well you have been here longer so you have heard him say more times obviously  
  
"Well then i am glad we could come to some agreement!" said Cell smugly. Frieza had a helmet with a light one and a lunch box, he sat on the edge and put both feet in at once. "You are so brave" He put his foot on Frieza's head and pushed him into the pipe. He stopped at his chest for he was tensing up making sure Cell would think that he was too large chested and stop. "Really Frieza you're not a woman!" Cells hit frieza's back with his tail but he would not stop tensing. "okay then this calls for extreme measures". Cell went away and came back with a bottle of grease and poured it over Frieza.  
  
"ARGH!" Frieza went sliding down the pipe and got stuck on a corner. "HELP! I'm stuck"  
  
Panicking Cell ran and got all that he could find and arrived back with Mr Muscle! "Okay hold you're breath!" He poured it down and the pipe started to froth but not downwards, the froth was building up more and more. "help you? Help me!" Cell ran to the prison bars and tried to get the attention of the ogre guards, who just ignored him, since last time he grabbed one and held him hostage while Frieza made the agreements for their release.  
  
Meanwhile the froth had grown and covered the entire prison and started to makes its way out, this alerted the ogres and they opened the door and got the H.F.I.L fire department in to stop the flow of Mr Muscle. After it was stopped they found a paranoid Cell laying on the floor and a screaming sound coming from the pipe. They dung deep down into the ground and had to get a shoehorn to remove Frieza from the pipe. Both were separated and put into different prisons.  
  
Frieza was pondering over what had happened and what could happen next time they tried to escape, would they be minced, grated, destroyed? He could not tell, only wait for their isolation to end. 


	3. Effects of Isolation

"Need. Company....NEED COMPANY!" Frieza had his head at the bars, pulling at them repeatedly. "How long have i been alone?!"  
  
"About" the ogre said looking at his watch "approximately 5 minutes"  
  
"OH! Too long, too long!" Frieza slid down the bars and lay on the floor. "I am dying.."  
  
"Stop being a drama queen!" Cell yelled from the other side.  
  
"What?! See, you stupid guard, in that five minutes i became a queen! A Queen of Drama!"  
  
"Oh boy" The guard walked away.  
  
"Well" Cell said taking his glasses off and putting his book down. "I see you accomplished one thing in our whole five minutes of isolation!" He stood up and walked over to the bars.  
  
Frieza was sprawled out on the floor of his cell.  
  
"I say!" Cell said with a sudden outburst of energy. "Frieza old chap!"  
  
"I'm old? You freak!" Frieza yelled after the guard "In the five minutes i became old!"  
  
"No! Frieza it's an expression!"  
  
"Woe is me!" Frieza put his hand on his forehead and rolled over onto his stomach, then back onto his back.  
  
"Right! I have a plan! So if you pay attention and stop whining you can hear it!"  
  
"A plan. What use is a plan. I'm and old Queen of Drama..no plan is perfect!"  
  
Cell clenched his fists.   
  
"ALL MY PLANS ARE PERFECT!" He yelled across to Frieza who, now was up and cowering in the corner. "Now then! You a slim aren't you"  
  
"Of course..Oh i know! You want to know how i stay so fit. Well there's a story behind it, you see.."  
  
"Shut up! I don't! I was thinking maybe you could fit through your bars."  
  
"Oh. Let me see." Frieza stood up and walked over to the bars. Then slipped sideways through.  
  
"Thats it! Just your head now, then we are home free!"..Cell watched as Frieza tugged. "Dear god. Don't tell me you're"  
  
"Stuck! Yes i am! Thanks to your no good plan".  
  
"Maybe if i extended my tail and sort of, wrapped it round your foot?" He did this and then grabbed the railing at the back of the cell and pulled towards it.  
  
"Ouch! Stop!"  
  
"No pain, no gain!" He carried on.  
  
"OI! What are you doing!?" Cell let go and ran to his bed and pretended to sleep. An ogre came along. Frieza was now on the floor with his head still through the bars.  
  
"You crafty devil!" The ogre walked over and looked at him.  
  
"Ah that's where you are wrong." Frieza whimpered. "I, am a changeling of the highest quality and power" He closed his eyes and fell unconscious.  
  
"Right!" The ogre slid him back through the bars then called a blacksmith.  
  
When Frieza awoke he saw that the bars were higher in number and that they were crossed over.   
  
"Well that worked!" He shouted across to the cell where his friend was. There was no reply, no perfects. Nothing. "Cell?"  
  
"Cell had gone" the guard said. "He left about an hour ago, his isolation time is up, however yours has been doubled. Due to an attempted escape!"  
  
"Attempted escape?! How dare you, i merely slipped..and fell through the bars...body first!"  
  
"Likely story."  
  
"How long was i out for good ogre?"  
  
"I'd say about an hour"  
  
"An hour! How come Cell only got 5 minutes!"  
  
"So did you! I went away to get the keys, but when i came back i found you trying to escape! Well tripping in the wrong direction anyway!"  
  
"Well you said mine has been doubled which technically would make it 10minutes!"  
  
"10 minutes from now you have woken up"  
  
"Damn! Curse you Cell! 


	4. A Familiar Visitor

10 long minutes later...  
  
"FREEDOM!" Frieza crawled out of his cell, and then once out of the cell, and round the back out of sight from the ogres, He jumped up and dusted himself off.  
  
He heard laughted from over the hill, wanting to know what was up he ran over. Cell was sitting at a table with Android 20.  
  
"Ah! There you are!" Cell stood up, atlast you are out. Android 20 stood up and walked away to Dr Gero who was watching Cell slyfully from the corner of his eye.  
  
"What's up with them?" Frieza looked at them curiously.  
  
"Oh ignore them my friend! They are just upset because i am friends with a changeling. You see i myself being from the Android faction, and you being from the Changeling faction!"  
  
"Ofcourse! Different races, i knew they had something against you"  
  
"Me? But they have something against you Frieza"  
  
"Don't put yourself down!" Frieza squeezed Cell's arm and dragged him away.  
  
When they had managed to get to their cave a familiar face was there to greet them, however Cell did not notice.  
  
"So! What death defying escape attempt shall we do now? It will have to be spectacular and almost unbelievable!" Cell preached to Frieza. Who tried to ignore him as he noticed their visitor,  
  
"cell! I have not got a clue what it is that you are talking about" Frieza began to sweat.  
  
"Of course you do! Remember when we created that swimming pool to distract the ogres with while we ran away, but found out that there was no way out?"  
  
"No!" Frieza yelled, flying up, he grabbed Cell's head and pointed it in the direction of the visitor.  
  
"Oh hello! I didn't see you there Goku!"  
  
"I could tell..I hope you two aren't causing trouble.  
  
"Ofcourse not what ever gave you that idea!" Cell laughed  
  
"Yemma. He told me that for the 4th time this month you have tried to escape." Goku lowered his eyebrows. "He asked me to come and speak to you two!"  
  
"Well there really is no need, we don't intend on escaping anymore. We have learnt our lesson, right good friend?" Cell said patting Frieza's shoulder.  
  
"Really? What shall we do with the catapult blueprints then? Why did we make them if we weren't going to go for it again?"  
  
"Shh!"  
  
"There's no point lying oh perfect one, you see its very inevitable that we will attempt it again."  
  
"I see" Goku walked towards them and went close to Frieza's face and smiled. "Do you guys have any food? I'm feeling particle to a big piece of pork!"  
  
"Partial Goku. Its partial not particle. And besides we are rationed with our food so i'm afraid we can't allow you to have any."  
  
"Really? Well i'm sure Yemma will love to hear about the Catapult blueprints!"  
  
"Wait!" Frieza and Cell shouted.  
  
"How about we get that pork, just for you! Afterall you are one of our best friends!" Frieza said grabbing one of Goku's arms.  
  
"Yes and how about a drink! And a nice desert!" Cell followed on by grabbing his other arm.  
  
"Thats sounds great! Why the sudden change of heart?" Goku smiled as they lead him into the cave. 


End file.
